A beautiful evening, a group of girls, Jez slapping the pavement with her friends. Just like every other blue moon the seven of them could find when they’re all not working at the same time. Sky’s so dark, yet not a single star shows. All these damn lights. Should’ve stayed home, Jez thinks, shielding her eyes as they emerge from the parking garage onto the busy street. Back home, she would be sitting on her deck, sippin’ sweet tea and smacking mosquitoes, then calling that a great night. All because she could see the stars.
Before her thoughts get to that point of no return, Jez allows the laughter of the girls to drown them out.
“God, you guys,” Anika says, stretching her arms out wide. Under the wide cut-out pits of her tank top, Jez almost catches a glimpse of something. “Why we don’t come out like this every night?”
Rumi scratches her head, pretending she wasn’t looking. “Cuz shit’s expensive,” she huffs.
“Girl, you don’t pay for shit anyway!” Shawnee pushes her to the side, which somehow causes Anika to spill her drink all over the pavement. So like her.
“Anika!” everyone shouts, almost in unison. They all get their legs splattered with bubble tea, tapioca pearls rolling into the gutter.
“Aw, what?” She throws her hands up, mouth wide with shock. “That wasn’t even my fault that time!”
An unspoken rule. A game they all instinctively play in situations like this. Everyone tries to hold it in.
“Nee pushed Rumi and — ”
“Girl, I’ll push you.”
“Pfft,” Shawnee blurts.
No longer able to hold it in, laughter erupts throughout the group. Anika gives up on defending herself. Love her to death, but she should know by now that this is a fight she’ll never win.
“You okay, Jez?” Phoebe asks, wiping at Jez’s shirt. Handing her some baby wipes. Why she always has baby wipes, I’ll never know, Jez thinks. She don’t got no kids.
They all stare. Some of them aren’t staring with their eyes, but with their feelings. They won’t look me in the eye. This why I didn’t even want to come out tonight, Jez thinks. They been treating me like some injured puppy who needs to be coddled, ever since… I don’t need to be coddled. I need to be left alone.
“…fine.”
“What? Girl, can’t nobody hear you!”
“Shawnee…” Phoebe shoots a venomous hiss at her. Everyone else joins in, rolling their eyes this way or that.
“Wha-at?!” Shawnee complains, sidling over to Jez as they walk. Forces her head up. “How long has it been?” Jez tries to turn her head away, but Shawnee pulls her chin back with a finger. Lets go. Throws her hands on her hips. “No, how long has it been?”
“Tsk.”
“Cause ain’t nobody else gonna tell you, girl. It’s been a year. That girl would not want you to be out here like this.”
“Hey y’all!” A high-pitched voice whistles from the corner across the street.
“Is that Rochelle?” Rumi asks, as Roe waves and yells from the corner across the street. Her pointy face blends in with the geometric graffiti painted behind her.
“Roe!”
“Neekie, baby!” Rochelle sprints across the street and joins the crowd. Anika and Rochelle crash into each other. They been drinking partners since before they were legally allowed to drink.
“Sorry I’m late, y’all,” Roe wheezes. Out of breath after all that runnin’ and jumpin’ up and down. When she comes to Jez, she wraps her in a bony hug. “Hey, girl. You okay?” she asks, looking around. Somehow, Rochelle always has some kind of sixth sense.
“Same ol’ same ol’.” Shawnee dismisses her concern. “Whoo, girl. You are winded. You know good and well we too old for all that hoppin’ around.”
Phoebe claps twice. “Perfect timing. We need to get to the bowling alley before it gets too late.”
“Aw man, you always making fun sound like a chore,” Rumi chides her.
“Oh, because we all know…” Phoebe starts, and the whole group finishes. “I gotta work in the morning!” All mocking Rochelle’s high-pitched voice.
Despite Phoebe’s protests, it’s not much further to the bowling alley. The neon lights in the windows are reflected on the pavement up ahead, lighting their path.
When they step inside, the cacophony of pins clattering and the smell of fried foods is almost overwhelming. Phoebe leads the way to the counter and starts asking for everyone’s shoe sizes.
“Come on, girl,” Shawnee chides, bumping Jez with her elbow.
“No, no…”
“One game!”
“No… “
“Just one game.”
“Girl, you need to cheer UP!”
“Really.” Jez forces out a dry laugh. “I’m cool watchin’ y’all.” She waves at the skinny boy behind the counter. No shoes for me.
“Fine. But you gon’ do somethin’ tonight.”
“No, I ain’t,” Jez says under her breath.
They all giggle. Jez even allows herself the quick pleasure of joining in.
Shawnee points a finger. “Now, you know I heard that.”
It’s a moment of joy, but it’s tainted. The second they all quiet down and start heading for lane seven, those thoughts start creeping in.
As Rochelle messes with the food and drink menu on the touchscreen table, Anika punches everyone’s names into the overhead screen. “Aright, what’s our team name, y’all?”
“What, Jez ain’t playin’? … Just gonna watch?! Aww, boo! Everybody boo Jez!”
“Booooo!”
Jez would normally be the first out on the floor, had it not been for last summer. She’d always been the type. Forever open to love, and to be loved, and adventure for the sake of it.
Now, though, now the girls barely recognize her. Beat it out of her if they could. Of course, it wouldn’t really be Jez that they’d be beating. It’d be this empty husk that took her over. Sitting there, staring at nothing. The husk’s learned to smile at perfect moments, too.
Someone hits a strike. Smile.
Someone says something to make someone else laugh. Smile.
Someone looks at her. Smile.
Can’t fool her friends, though. They see right through Ms. Husk. But ask Jez herself. She’d have you believe no one’s looking. Not a soul. Be very convincing, too. She’d have you believe that the only person to ever lay eyes on her was here one day and gone the next.
“Jez!” Phoebe plops down beside our girl, her capri pants squeaking on the vinyl seat. Places a hand on her thigh. “Sure you just want to watch?”
“Yeah.”
“Listen — “
“Seen that double strike action.” Jez puts on her best smile. Would’ve been convincing, had she not been speaking to her best friend since high school. Phoebe had seen the real thing, once upon a time.
She looks up at Jez, silently asking if she forgot who she’s talking to. “You know we’re here for you, right?”
Jez says nothing.
“She meant a lot to you, Jez. It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Shawnee was right, though. As she often is, to my annoyance. Crystal brought so much light out of you.’’
Jez shuffles in her seat. Uncomfortable with the weight of her own emotions. Phoebe rests a hand on her shoulder, eases her a bit.
“Light that even I had never seen. Not before you met her. And I was so incredibly proud of you… But Jez. Look at me. Crystal was a wonderful soul. She would not want you like this.”
“Phoebe. Phoe! It’s your bowl, girl!”
Phoebe looks back. Throws a smile and a wave. “I’m right here. We are right. Here.”
“What’s up, girl. You still sittin’ over here mopin’?” Shawnee stands over Jez. Arms folded, wide face-consuming grin.
“Better work on that throw, Nee. You’re falling behind — “
“Girl, whatever. When are you gonna get that ass up? Been like this all year. It’s time to move on.”
“Shawnee…”
“Shawnee nothin’. You need to get back out there! Meet some new people.”
How can she say something like that? Crystal isn’t someone Jez can just throw away. And Shawnee hasn’t held a man longer than a few months. A year at most. Blames it on men being weak-minded, when really it’s just her finding something to fight about.
“What she NEEDS is some drink in her!” Rumi yells from the lane. “Would wake you right up.” She stands suggestively behind Anika, under the guise of “teaching” her how to bowl. Don’t let her tell it, though.
Their waxing and waning relationship puts a quease in Jez’s belly. They should stop playing games and just get together. You never know when you’re looking at someone you love for the last time. Shawnee rolls her eyes at the two, flirting at the lanes.
“Look at them,” she whispers, leaning toward Jez. “And they’ll try to convince us they not fockin’. Let them tell it.” She laughs. “She not wrong, though. We could use some drinks. Oop, I’m up.”
Shawnee turns to walk away. She pulls her bubblegum-colored ball from the rack and steps up to the lanes. Pauses before she bowls.
“Well, if she ain’t gon’ bowl, she can at least go get our food.”
Whispers hiss up and down lane seven.
“What?!”
“It’s fine. Gotta go to the bathroom, anyway.”
Walking away, Shawnee can still be heard low in the back. “Need to stand up! …put her ass to work.”
The bathroom’s grungy, but it’s quiet. A welcome relief from all the noise and lights outside.
Jez lets the water rush, staring. Just staring. Wasting water. She lets her hands sit under the rushing warmth. Sucks in air. Holds it. Then slowly, steadily lets it go.
She tries to imagine it. Four years with Crystal. Holds it. The day they met, sunshine and cold air and falling leaves on the quad. Holds it. Every beautiful moment, long dark eyelashes and the scent of strawberries. Every argument, cool bedsheets and hot tears. She holds it in, and then slowly, steadily. She expels it all.
At least, that’s what happens in her head.
Jez presses her warm, wet hands over her face. Holds them there. By the time she opens her eyes, looks at herself in the soap-spotted mirror, she should see a new person. Lighter.
She grips the edge of the sink. Opens her eyes. Looks at herself in the mirror, not really looking. More like staring through the past. Has anything changed?
“How do I let you go?”
Just as she says this, a girl in a bowling alley uniform walks in. Embarrassment settles in her belly. They freeze as their eyes lock on each other.
For an agonizing moment, this girl resembles Crystal. It isn’t until Jez notices the girl’s name tag that the spell is broken.
Dream.
At the same moment, Dream is stuck between saying hi and leaving this girl be. Seems to be having an emotional moment. But… No, she really has to pee. As cute as she is…
Jez comes to her senses. This girl looks nothing like Crystal. As beautiful as she is…
After a feeble attempt at a smile, she looks away. Maybe the corners of her mouth upturned on their own.
Dream takes this as a sign, and goes on about her business. The stall door creaks shut.
Jez dries her face and escapes the moment.
As she approaches the counter, the lady behind it puts out a fully loaded tray of fries, onion rings and jalapeno poppers. She tells Jez that they’re just waiting on the chicken wings.
Jez takes a seat, leaning her back against the counter and staring up at the ceiling. The red-and-blue lights above the lanes are reflected up here by the disco ball.
Just as the wings are finished, Dream re-emerges. “Your wings are up,” she calls out to the woman sitting at the counter.
Once again, their eyes meet, and Jez has to shake the thought of coincidences and fate. It makes sense to run into a woman who works at the bowling alley at the concessions counter. Of course. This isn’t fate. The cute girl’s simply doing her job.
It’s just not the right time. Even though this girl brings warmth and little pricklies in Jez’s chest. It’s like a little malevolent spirit is sitting spitefully in her head. Her mind snaps back to Crystal.
Devious little imp.
“Do you need help carrying it?” Dream smiles.
The baggage?
“It’s a lot of food.”
There’s just something about this girl that Dream finds herself needing to be near. At least until the end of her shift. It’d be really unfortunate to never see her again. She does get off soon. Maybe she could get her number before she goes home tonight.
Back at lane seven, the chatter stops and the cheers erupt as two trays of food approach. And then they notice the brown-skinned cutie trailing behind Jez. An unspoken understanding buzzes through them all.
“Thank you, Jezabelle!” they all sing, fluttering their lashes.
Jez tries. Truly attempts to smile. But there’s just something holding back her joy. No one dwells on it, though, diving into their food like piranhas.
“Oh, wait wait wait!” Anika reaches over Rumi abruptly. They groan as she almost drops all the fries on the floor. A few of them scatter beneath the table, never to be seen again.
Unbothered, Anika drags her words out dramatically. “Thank you for helping Jez bring all this food over.”
“Yeah! You have to excuse our girl for forgetting her common courtesy,” Rumi says, eyeing Jez with the Girl, you better talk to this girl look.
“Yes, girl. Say thank you! Where are your manners?” Shawnee flips her long braids.
They all stare expectantly at the two. Their implications were not lost on Jez, nor on Dream.
Dream tries to hide her bashful smile. To pretend she not down with the get down these friends of Jez just placed. Laid out so neatly. This girl must be ripe for the pickins.
Embarrassed, Jez turns to Dream. “Thanks.”
“Well,” Dream starts. “I do get off soon, so… You could thank me by going out with me tonight. If that’s okay with your girls.”
“Ahhh!” they all squeal.
“Ye-es, please take this girl out!” Anika cheers.
“What?”
“Just go, Jezy,” Phoebe half-whispers. “Look, you’re even dressed cute. Take this moment. Have some fun!”
The night sky is gorgeous, pure purple-black. Dream breathes in the warm air of late summer. It’s starting to smell like rain.
“Your friends are fun. They seem to really care for you,” she says, not able to bear the silence for too much longer. She managed to make it out with this girl thanks to her friends.
No way could she pass this chance up. She’d been single for too long, and the last guy she dated was such a colossal waste of time she hesitates to count him.
“So, what are we gonna do?” Jez asks, feeling awkward in the silence. Ain’t no point in not attempting to enjoy herself. And it’s not like the girl she’s out with isn’t beautiful.
“We can just walk if you want. I know you not hungry. Didn’t even touch them fries.” Dream tries to laugh with Jez, but she can tell the little smile she gives is out of obligation. “So… Sorry I caught you havin’ a moment.”
Jez looks at Dream, confused.
“You know. In the bathroom.”
“Oh. Yeah. No, it’s alright,” Jez scoffs. She suddenly finds her feet very interesting, looking down as they walk.
“Can I ask… what’s bothering you?” Dream pries, forcing Jez to look up at her.
When their eyes meet, Jez immediately feels a… something. Something that makes her miss a breath. Because of this, she finds it difficult to hold eye contact. Too busy asking herself if it’s okay, and not busy enough to allow herself to take the moment.
But there’s just something about her. Some soothing aura that says it’s okay to breathe. Can she really exhale? You know what? Yeah. Maybe it is time.
Jez prepares herself to let it go. Or maybe it’s not really letting go, but acknowledging. Moving past.
A raindrop falls and hits her square in the eye. When she blinks it away, there’s a pair of headlights rolling down the street towards her.
“Oh, hey!” Dream points and runs to flag down the trolley. “Come on, Jezabelle!”
Jez doesn’t really know why, but she runs after Dream. Her legs just move on their own.
They jump on the trolley at the side entrance and find their seats in the back. It’s crowded, but for Dream, it’s better than walking. The rain begins to patter against the trolley roof.
“Whew! Been working all day. Didn’t think that whole ‘let’s go for a walk’ thing through,” she laughs.
“So…” Jez starts.
Dream is all ears. Eager to learn something about this girl.
“Crystal. We had been together for ‘bout four years. We… She, uh, she died last year.” Jez releases a shaky breath.
“Oh… I’m sorry.” Dream releases a breath of her own. The trolley sways back and forth, jostling it out of her.
Maybe she shouldn’t have asked. It’s so like her, though. Dream often seems to find herself interested in people who happen to be packed up dense with baggage.
She looks at Jez.
Never been too weak to handle it. She ready to dive into this one.
Meanwhile, Jez can’t shake the fear that she shared too much. If she scares Dream off, that would be… Well, she doesn’t want that. How can she bring this back around?
The trolley hits a bump, and Jez falls into Dream. Shoulder to shoulder, they look at each other. Awkwardly smiling it up.
The trolley reaches a stop, and the general public get on and off, some bumping into the girls. Kids and parents, tourists on vacation, business people and old retirees.
“Tell me about her.” Dream smiles, genuinely curious about the person who’s got the girl in her sights in such a stupor.
“We met in college… Ran into her on the quad. She was making fun of the steppers with her friends, and she spun around and hit me right in the face.”
They both laugh. Dream beams at how much Jez lights up; it’s like she’s finally glimpsed what she’s capable of. “Making fun of steppers?! Ion know, man. I can’t get down with that.”
Jez chuckles. “No, no, they were not good. Off time. Soft.”
Dream laughs in return, but she looks around.
She tries not to make it too obvious. Her craving for Jez’s brown eyes catching hers, even for a moment. She notices how Jez always looks away quick, never holds her gaze for too long.
All these people brushing past them, getting on and off the trolley. Ruining the moment. It annoys them both. A guy hops on the back of the trolley, bumping into the girls as he hangs on. His wet arms leave a glaze of rain behind. It’s really coming down now.
“So, what other red flags did y’all have?”
“Oh, critiquing bad steppers is a red flag? They weren’t good, Dream. What, were you in Kappa Kappa Applesauce?”
“Ohh, o-ho! You got jokes, okay.”
“Hope that’s not a red flag, too.”
Jez says it too quick, before her mouth can catch it.
Ah. She likes me, floats through Dream’s mind. It’s like she’s been punched in the chest with a net full of fluttering critters. The longer she sits with her, the more she’s certain that all she wants in the world is to watch Jez laugh more. Her wide smile shows that she’s not afraid of showing it, where Jez shies away.
“No, not a red flag at all,” Dream says.
A different guy clambers on the back of the trolley and squeezes near the girls, with too-big clothes on and a giant box of chocolates that he hits Dream in the back of the head with. Completely ruining the moment!
Dream, with much anger and a bit of sarcasm, exclaims: “This the WORST box of chocolates I ever seen!” Not missing a beat. Hoping the asshole heard her.
He might have, if his mind wasn’t currently swarming with performed conversations, all coaching him on how to make it up to his little girlfriend — who is soon to be his ex-girlfriend, but with a full box of chocolates. The girls have a giggle fit.
“Okay, so what about you?”
“Me what?”
“Bet you have some red flags.”
Jez looks at Dream like she’s asked the most intimate question. “Well, what about you, Dream?”
“What?”
“You got me out here spilling my guts! Bleeding my heart! And you’ve said nary a thing about yourself.”
“Nary?”
“A thing.”
Dream sits back in her seat. Breathes deep. “Me? Hmm… Well, you know I work at the bowling alley, but I think I’m gonna leave.”
“Oh, for real? Why?”
“Gonna be interning at the natural history museum down on Fifth. Paid interning!”
“I’d accept no less,” Jez laughs.
“Right?! It’s real out here!”
They both laugh. Thunder rumbles in the distance.
“Anyways. Left a long relationship.”
“Aw, I’m sorry.”
“No, he was an idiot. Honestly, I don’t know why I stayed so long.”
“Men,” Jez jokes, rolling her eyes.
“I think that’s about it. At least, for a first date.” Dream smiles slyly.
“Oh, this is a date?” Jez asks with a smile.
“Well, why else would we be out here on a night stroll through the city? So come on. Red flags.” Dream is nothing if not persistent.
“Well, we’re not really on a stroll. We’re on a — “
“So, deflection.”
“I’m just sayin’.”
They’re both stuck in silence, not knowing what to say next. But both want to keep talking.
“It’s not that I can’t or… won’t talk about things,” Jez says, physically preparing herself to get this out. She has to. And she knows it. Just has to do it without that annoying part. The waterworks.
Dream perks her ears up, prepared to listen. She’s already settled with herself that she wants this girl. So no matter what the worst part of her is, she’s eager to take it on. Not that she couldn’t already guess Jez’s red flags. As far as she’s concerned, it’s nothing a little time can’t remedy. That and her affection, of course.
“It’s just,” Jez continues, “trying to say it out loud, it sounds stupid. I’ve found lately, I haven’t been able to cry. Well, maybe it’s that I don’t… I don’t know. If I talk about it, I’ll cry and… but, am I allowed? She’s gone, and I get to cry about it? I’m out here talking to a beautiful girl, but is that okay? She’s gone. She can’t do anything… You know? I know I should just… adjust my crown. Dust it off. Keep it pushin’. But…”
As the tears well up, Jez wills them to dry. For her lip not to quiver, to stay firm. Her chin to stay raised.
Dream takes her hand in hers. Gives her a minute.
“Jezabelle, that’s not a red flag. None of that is. What that is, is grief. “
“Yeah, but…”
“But nothin’! People like to say stuff like that out of… Just for looks! For appearances, Jez. They’ll say stuff like that and be miserable at home. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Otherwise, you can’t ever heal.”
Jez sits quietly, taking in Dream’s words. Honestly considering them.
“I know I don’t know you, Jez, but. It’s just that you’re such a beautiful girl… and we’re still so young! Gonna sound corny, but you got so much life left. And we only here this one time. Be a shame not to allow yourself your own natural-born emotions. Don’t deny yourself sadness.”
Jez looks away. She can’t say she hasn’t been allowing herself sadness. Hell, she’s been ignoring it. It’s just been spilling out of her, outside of her control. And happiness?
Dream sees Jez whirling around her own head. She has to be clear about her intentions. She guides Jez’s chin to face her, wanting to bore her own feelings directly into Jez’s eyes.
“Or joy. Or any emotion in between.”
Out of all the emotions swirling around Jez’s head and heart, fighting for dominance, she can’t tell what’s what. But there is one feeling becoming clear above all the rest. Bright white words, like a neon sign, gradually becoming clear in the storm.
It starts with Dream’s big, dark eyes… her beautiful brown skin. Her round face. Hair buzzed, dyed blond. No — might’ve been some other color, faded to this. Jez takes it all in, finds herself magnetically pulled to her full lips. It’s like they have their own gravitational pull, and she has been caught in its orbit. Swept up in the storm.
Lightning flashes. She stops herself.
Dream notices Jez’s struggle. She leans forward, helping Jez out. “What are you thinking?”
“Life isn’t over.”
They kiss at the last stop, her own inner storm fading.
It’s time to move on.
